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Glass Case

January 25, 2013

I tend to find myself back here during the highest highs and lowest lows of parenting. Sometimes, all the emotions and worries and concerns and questions of parenthood can’t be put into spoken word. It spills out faster than I can say and so my fingers do the job instead, a dancing flurry over the keyboard, desperate to capture what it is that is now pumping inside my heart – whether it be anger, frustration, and sadness or pure, indescribable joy.

We’re expecting our second in May. A baby brother for our Peach! Or, as she puts it, a “bay-bee brudduh”!

Most of the time, I am eager for that day to arrive. For our two little loves to meet and to begin what I pray will be a lifelong relationship of kindred friendship, respect, love, and loyalty. Every night, we pray for these two little ones – that God is already ministering in their hearts and knitting them together so that they will always share a piece of the same tapestry – one that covers our family with love, love, and more love.

Other days, I struggle. The last few days, our peach has brought her screech back with some reckoning. This tends to happen after a stretch of “glory days” – days where I find myself wondering how I got so lucky – how could this beautiful, fun, imaginative, hilarious, curious, incredible child be mine? Each day eases into another and I wake looking forward eagerly to creating more memories with this precious girl. I start to get really comfortable and think, “Well, this isn’t so hard! Maybe we’ve done it right! Maybe we’ve figured it out!”

Oh yes, the ultimate mistake of parents. Getting ahead of yourself.

Then comes the humbling.

The kind of days where I find myself now. Lost. Hopeless. Frustrated beyond belief and angry that parenting is so much about giving, giving, giving, giving, giving…and then waiting with patience and hope that it all registers somehow. That the prayers and the reminders for “good manners” and the pleases and the no thank yous and the I’m sorrys will somehow stick someday.

She is such a bright and beautiful girl. But the stubbornness. OH THE STUBBORNNESS.

The last few days, the tears and whines have come at the drop of a hat. One minute she’s laughing and dancing and singing. The next minute, VOLCANIC ERUPTION OF UNCONTAINABLE EMOTIONSSSSSSS….

I swear, at the worst of it, sometimes I can hear Will Ferrell somewhere in the background….

“I’m trapped in a glass case of emotionnnnnnn.”

I feel you, Will, I feel you.

And so does my daughter, apparently.

I know this is nothing new or revolutionary. She turns two in just about two weeks. I’ve heard of the terrible twos.

But when you’re at the start of it and she isn’t even two yet, and you know you have at the very minimum a whole year of this hot and cold behavior in front of you…well, it’s all quite terrifying to be frank.

But there is grace. No matter what the day is like, at the end, I am still down on my knees thankful that this little bundle of mystery is mine on loan from our God. That He has entrusted me with this precious gift, and, whether I get through the days through tears or laughter, all that matters to me is that she’s here with me. That this messy, crazy, intense, confusing, and, sometimes, insane life is ours.

A broken, beautiful life.

* * *

“Peachisms” at age 23 Months

  • Singing her ABCs at all hours of the day – she can sing most of it on her own, except she fuddles through the LMNO part. I don’t blame you, Peach! Those are some toughies.
  • She loves when I sing “Grown Ups Come Back” (from Daniel Tiger) before I put her down for a nap.
  • She’s going through a phase where she finds everything “tary” (scary). We’ve been trying to build her faith and courage by reciting “Mighty Warrior, the Lord is with you!” when this happens and reminding her that she is NEVER alone.
  • She is still completely bonkers over her “pigeon” (penguin) that Aunt J gave her for her dohl. That’s her buddy and they do everything together.
  • “Mo-ee” = more
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