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The Prequel: Three Months

September 28, 2011

May 3, 2011

Dear Yena,

Today, you are three months old.

I remember when, during those early weeks of your infancy, I honestly didn’t know how I would make it to three months. Everyone kept telling me that things would get easier after 100-days (which is coming up next week!), and I had read that three months was considered the end of the “fourth trimester”.

I remember not being able to console you. You would cry and cry and cry and cry. And then throw your head back and cry some more. I cried a lot along with you. I felt so badly for you, my poor baby, to be stuck with a mom who didn’t know how to console her baby. I felt badly for sleep-deprived, exhausted, confused me too. And your poor dad with a crying baby and a crying wife on his hands.

We tried everything to figure out what made you cry. Was it gas? Was it acid reflux? Was it an overactive letdown? Was it emotional sensitivity? Was it backlash from being in the NICU? No one seemed to know (alas, colic) but we didn’t stop trying to find an answer so that we could somehow bring you some comfort.

I don’t tell you this for any other reason than for you to know how much we love you. We weathered those days together and, day by day, we grew to know each other. I loved you from the moment I saw you. Even now, my eyes well up every time I remember that first moment when I saw you lifted from me. And the first time your dad and I met eyes across the room as he leaned over you in the bassinet. This journey hasn’t been easy, and it will continue to throw challenges at us left and right.

But Yena, you are so worth every single bit of it. You are so very loved, my love, and you bring so much joy and delight into our lives. You have made me into an even cheesier cheeseball, and every cliche in the book has become a reality for me. You changed my life. You make me whole. How can someone so little make life so big?

I hope you always know with certainty how much we love you. I hope you never feel alone and you always know that, wherever you are, whatever may happen, your parents love you and, even more, God loves you.

Right now, you love getting raspberries on your belly. You are completely a daddy’s girl, and you laugh and coo and light up every time your dad comes home. You love to talk (coo) to him and he is completely drowning in his love for you. You are such a talker and love to “sing” long with Hwang halmuni sings to you. You don’t making your pursing, Zoolander face very often anymore, which I miss, but you follow me around the room with your eyes and have started splashing the water a bit during your bath as though you are discovering that water is fun! You also love to do ‘sit-ups’ – one of us will tug very gently and lightly on your hands while you are lying down, and you will immediately lift your head up and crunch forward a bit until we have you sitting up. You will do this time and time again, and love it!

We started to see your personality emerge more from when you were six weeks old. Slowly, there were less tears every day and more of you. And now, today, more than ever, we see you. We see you our darling Yena. When you have bad days, that’s all they are – bad days. When you have good days, we enjoy them with you, but we love you no more and no less. Every day, we love you wholly.

We are so blessed to have you in our lives, Addie, and today, on the day you turn three months, we want you to know just this: Mom and Dad love you. God loves you. You are so very, very, very loved.

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