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The Prequel: Awaken

September 28, 2011

August 9, 2010

It’s been a long while since my last post.

A lot has happened in that time, including:
– in-laws in town to visit
– NT Testing (the results, praise God, came out great!)
– belly growing (fast!)
– Abigail announcing our pregnancy to the church
– Unnie in her 11th week/Me in my 15th week
– Continuing to fix up our apartment/Hunting for a new car lease

Today, I feel a little as though I’m coming out of a cave and stepping into daylight. Actually, no, that sounds as though the last few months have been a dark period, but they haven’t. They’ve been filled with such blessings, especially as our baby continues to grow (hi meedeum-ee!).

Maybe it’s more like the feeling you have when you wake up from a long nap. For some reason, the last few months have been a little foggy and cloudy. I’ve had a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that life is going to change drastically, and soon. If I’m honest, I’ve spent a good amount of time saying good-bye to the old Sooj. Not that she’s not always going to be a part of me, but there are going to be things about myself that change that I have no control over. I’m not going to be able to sleep in on weekends as much as I’d like. I’m going to have to be more intentional and prepared with my schedule. And, although I’m a little embarassed to admit this, I’m a bit traumatized at what this pregnancy is doing and is going to continue to do to my body.

Yes, that makes me sound very shallow, I know. But, it is what it is. Growing up, I was teased a lot about my weight. I won’t go into it too much, but after years of having my weight commented on, the insecurities about physical appearances kind of stuck. No matter what, I always feel like I still have those 5-10 pounds to lose. So seeing the scale steadily (and rapidly) tick upwards has been a bit…unsettling. I’m in that stage of pregnancy now where none of my old clothes are fitting right, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready for maternity clothes yet. That stage of pregnancy where you don’t look pregnant, you just look like you’re fat.

I know this is actually a blessing of a problem to have. I’m sure there are millions of women out there who would read this and want to come storming towards me brandishing pitchforks and torches…women who struggle with infertility, or know someone who does, or can’t imagine anything casting a shadow on the beautiful process of pregnancy. But, I think there are probably also a lot of women out there who feel as I do. Who would do anything to protect and harbor their babies…but who are also struggling a wee bit to come to terms with this new identity of mom.

I know the upcoming months will bring an even pottier pot belly, stretch marks, weird boobs, and who knows what else. I’m not looking forward to that part. I’m also not looking forward to the part where my, um, most feminine parts are essentially torn usunder.

But, last night and today I made a decision.

I’m not going to allow these fears and sadnesses rain on my parade. I don’t want to be holding this beautiful baby in my arms, and look back on TG and my first pregnancy as a string of gloomy days. I want to know that we took that time to enjoy our last moments of “just the two of us” together, and that we enjoyed whatever aspect of that pregnancy that we could. I am lucky to have a husband who will see my stretch marks and saggy belly as a tribute to our first child. I am lucky not to have to do this alone, and don’t ever take that for granted. I am lucky to even be with child, and want to focus on that blessing, and not on the price of that blessing.

This isn’t a promise that I won’t have a bad day every now and then. But this is a commitment that I will do whatever it is I can do to turn this around. To start each day with excitement, and not with fear and worries. To spend this time investing in myself, in my husband, in my family, and in our baby, so that even in the midst of worries and struggles, the light is always visible and it is always shining.

I took the first step today by taking a 45 minute walk on the treadmill in our apartment gym. It felt great! I was planning on walking for 30 minutes, but ended up walking a little longer. Afterwards, I came up and showered, and already, I feel the difference of doing something that makes me feel proactive and healthy, as opposed to griping about how much weight I’ve gained and reaching for another handful of chips. There will be some moments where I do indulge in some treats, but knowing that I’m doing what I can do to make good decisions when I can will help me not to wallow in annoyance and grumpiness.

Mrs. Crabbypants is moving on over! I’m sure she won’t be missed too much. 🙂

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